Sunday, October 9, 2011

"Replacement" [A Rant]

I've been holding this one back for a while, partially because the person who I had this conversation with will most likely read this. I wasn't sure if I really wanted for them to know how much this bothered me. I know the conversation may have been a joking one, but it stuck under my skin and I needed to get this off my chest.

Recently while talking with an acquaintance about Dawson and Cookie I mentioned that Dawson was placed for adoption. I also mentioned that they met for the first time this year (they had seen a picture of the two of them together that I had up in a couple of places). This person made a passing comment about how he thought Dawson would be disappointed he didn't get a "little brother". I brushed this off, some people don't understand the dynamic with us, as far as he is concerned Cookie is just another friend, not a sister like C is. Some day he will put the pieces together and figure out how Cookie and he are connected (maybe he already has, I am not sure) but it's not really appropriate for him to call her a "sister" at this point. Anyway, in the course of the conversation this person said many infuriating things (some of which I have already addressed in this post)but the one that stuck with me was in response to me saying that I still miss Dawson sometimes. Their reply was "maybe next time you'll have a boy, I bet that will help you feel less sad about your son"...

I was a bit in shock, so I didn't say all the things coursing through my brain. Like "So in your eyes my next boy is just a placeholder for the child I didn't raise?". Why do people think that because I have Cookie now I should feel less attached to Dawson? Why would someone think simply because Cookie is a girl that I don't love her as much as I loved Dawson? Do they think that if I was to have another boy it would somehow replace him in my heart? Seriously? What in the hell is wrong with people?

Let me make this absolutely clear once again:

No. Child. Will. EVER. Replace. Dawson. EVER!

Is that clear enough for everyone? Cookie is an amazing addition to my life, she makes every sacrifice worth it. Not because she is more or better or because she fills that hole that Dawson left (it's still there). Because she is mine, I get to hold her and love her every day, hug and kiss her good night and miss her while I work at my tedious job. She makes it worth it to drive home every night, and worth it to deal with her tantrums and whining. Just because I enjoy being her mom does not discount my feelings for my son. I love him, every minute and every day. I will always love him JUST AS MUCH as I love Cookie. Every sacrifice I made, every sad and lonely day I spent was worth it to have him on this earth. I will think of him and miss him, I will wonder about him and be proud when I hear of his accomplishments. I will still hurt because he is not near me and there is no child that will cure that. For Dawson, I will not be "Mom" but for Cookie I will. The way THEY view me is different, but the way I view THEM is the same. I love them both with everything I have. I prove that to Cookie every day by being there for her in every way I can, and I proved that to Dawson by giving him a chance at an amazing life with an amazing family. Yes, I chose differently for each of my children. Most parents of multiple kids will tell you that the choices you make for one do not always fit for the others. Each of these children is unique, but the one thing they have in common is that of all the people on this earth they are the ONLY two (at this point) who I would give everything for. If I am blessed to have another boy someday he will not be Dawson, he will not replace him, he will not make me less "sad" that I cant be closer to him.

I wish I was a confrontational person. I wish I could walk up to the person who said this and tell them how their comment made me feel. Unfortunately I am not that girl, I am passive-aggressive at best. So I figured I would just put it out there into the blogoshpere and let nature take it's course.

[End Rant]


Monika said...

Beautiful post. Wonderful rant. And SO true. I hope the person that made that comment to you reads this blog post and realizes a comment they may have even made in jest or in caring concern did NOT have the effect they hoped it would have. Words CAN hurt, offend and other things. They can hurt just as much as a broken bone can hurt.

Sharon said...

I really don't get how anyone could think that way! Children don't replace each other... EVER!!!!!!!!!
What a horrible thing to say... about replacing Dawson and about insinuating that any boy baby born to you in the future already has a job assigned to him.