Pressure of Parenting After Placement

Sometimes I feel such a back-breaking pressure. Pressure to be the best possible mother that has ever lived. I'm sure most moms feel pressure to be more patient, more loving and kind and more humbled than they are. For me, because of Dawson, I feel like I am somehow failing him (and Cookie) if I am not the most wonderful person and mother.


Ok, so here it is: I'm not perfect.

Far from it actually. I get beyond frustrated when Cookie does something I have told her not to (I mean is it really neccessary to throw the dog's food into her water every night?). Some times I wish I could throw in the towel (no, I cannot hold you every second while still stirring dinner and trying to get you juice at the same time). I feel guilty for being away, even though I know that working is what I need to be doing right now. I find myself feeling lazy for not going on lots of outings on my days off (Who needs the zoo? You've got Mommy's bed head to gawk at). I dont have the time or energy to make her home-cooked meals every night (hello microwave!). I probably feed her more junk food than what I should (another cookie? Sure, as long as mommy can finish folding this laundry). I get angry and yell sometimes, I used to have such a long fuse but she seems to know just how to shorten it.

Most days I come out of it all feeling like I have won the battle but am losing the war. How do people make this look so easy? What am I doing wrong here?

Honestly, the worst part for me is my own self-flagellation. I find myself thinking awful things like "what if I was just not made to be a mom?" and it hurts. I can write all of the posts in the world about how other people hurt me, but in the end the person who berates me most is myself. My heart aches for this little girl with huge eyes all day long, and then when I finally come home to her I find myself so tired and run-down that I cant enjoy being with her. I count down the minutes until she goes to bed and I can sit still for a few moments. I worry that by being a "bad" mom I will somehow dissapoint Dawson. I know he wont know right now what kind of mom I am. I guess I just feel like my choice to parent Cookie needs to be validated by me being the best mom. It seems silly now that I think about it. I guess lately I have just felt so burnt out. It feels like a huge effort just to get out of bed in the morning. Getting through the day is like trudging through quicksand. I'm stressed because of thinking of court with R coming up, and wondering what the outcome will be. I'm tired of working at a job I can no longer feel any joy in. I'm frustrated that I cant spend more of my time doing the things I love, like watching my Cookie-bug grow and learn. It's all coming to a head, and I am truly scared of what will happen if I dont get a break from some of this pressure soon.

When I was pregnant with Cookie, my mind was filled with all the wonderful things we would do together. All the things I would be a part of that I never had the chance to experience with Dawson. I'm learning through time that my best laid plans are bound to go awry. In some ways I am ok with it, and in others I wonder if I can keep my sanity through it all. Dont get me wrong, there are plenty of moments that make my efforts worth it (like her clinging tightly to me after waking in the middle of the night, knowing that having me close is a comfort to her as it is for me), and I love my Cookie for always. She is just getting to that age where she cant decide if she wants to do it herself, or have me by her side for everything. It's very frustrating (for both of us).

I know that many mother's have gone through similar struggles, and I know that this too shall pass. I know that there will be times when Cookie is more frustrating and times when she is a perfect angel. I know that I have some unhealthy feelings about myself to work through. I'm hoping that being able to write about it will be a healing process.

"Replacement" [A Rant]

I've been holding this one back for a while, partially because the person who I had this conversation with will most likely read this. I wasn't sure if I really wanted for them to know how much this bothered me. I know the conversation may have been a joking one, but it stuck under my skin and I needed to get this off my chest.
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Recently while talking with an acquaintance about Dawson and Cookie I mentioned that Dawson was placed for adoption. I also mentioned that they met for the first time this year (they had seen a picture of the two of them together that I had up in a couple of places). This person made a passing comment about how he thought Dawson would be disappointed he didn't get a "little brother". I brushed this off, some people don't understand the dynamic with us, as far as he is concerned Cookie is just another friend, not a sister like C is. Some day he will put the pieces together and figure out how Cookie and he are connected (maybe he already has, I am not sure) but it's not really appropriate for him to call her a "sister" at this point. Anyway, in the course of the conversation this person said many infuriating things (some of which I have already addressed in this post)but the one that stuck with me was in response to me saying that I still miss Dawson sometimes. Their reply was "maybe next time you'll have a boy, I bet that will help you feel less sad about your son"...



I was a bit in shock, so I didn't say all the things coursing through my brain. Like "So in your eyes my next boy is just a placeholder for the child I didn't raise?". Why do people think that because I have Cookie now I should feel less attached to Dawson? Why would someone think simply because Cookie is a girl that I don't love her as much as I loved Dawson? Do they think that if I was to have another boy it would somehow replace him in my heart? Seriously? What in the hell is wrong with people?

Let me make this absolutely clear once again:

No. Child. Will. EVER. Replace. Dawson. EVER!


Is that clear enough for everyone? Cookie is an amazing addition to my life, she makes every sacrifice worth it. Not because she is more or better or because she fills that hole that Dawson left (it's still there). Because she is mine, I get to hold her and love her every day, hug and kiss her good night and miss her while I work at my tedious job. She makes it worth it to drive home every night, and worth it to deal with her tantrums and whining. Just because I enjoy being her mom does not discount my feelings for my son. I love him, every minute and every day. I will always love him JUST AS MUCH as I love Cookie. Every sacrifice I made, every sad and lonely day I spent was worth it to have him on this earth. I will think of him and miss him, I will wonder about him and be proud when I hear of his accomplishments. I will still hurt because he is not near me and there is no child that will cure that. For Dawson, I will not be "Mom" but for Cookie I will. The way THEY view me is different, but the way I view THEM is the same. I love them both with everything I have. I prove that to Cookie every day by being there for her in every way I can, and I proved that to Dawson by giving him a chance at an amazing life with an amazing family. Yes, I chose differently for each of my children. Most parents of multiple kids will tell you that the choices you make for one do not always fit for the others. Each of these children is unique, but the one thing they have in common is that of all the people on this earth they are the ONLY two (at this point) who I would give everything for. If I am blessed to have another boy someday he will not be Dawson, he will not replace him, he will not make me less "sad" that I cant be closer to him.

I wish I was a confrontational person. I wish I could walk up to the person who said this and tell them how their comment made me feel. Unfortunately I am not that girl, I am passive-aggressive at best. So I figured I would just put it out there into the blogoshpere and let nature take it's course.

[End Rant]

Aftermath

I think alot about those 3 days with my son, I'm sure that is why I write about it more often. I suppose for me that was the most important part. It's like I experienced those 3 days in high definition and I relive them over and over. I think part of me is afraid if I dont keep going over it I will somehow forget. Because of that fear I sometimes forget to tell the continuing story of our beautiful lives. I have a hard time focusing on the present or the future when my mind keeps wandering to the past. I dont know if that will ever really go away, but it does seem that it has gotten better over time. It has been about 8.5 years since that last moment with my son in the hospital. I have had the privilege of watching him grow and change into a little man with a heart of gold. I see him and his family as often as I can, usually about once a year. It always feels like I am recharging my batteries when I spend time with them. Then I slowly lose that energy as time passes and I have to wait for our next visit. Alot can happen in over 8 years. We have all had growing experiences, difficulties, pains and trials in that time.

First, let me tell you about my son's family. D is his Mom, she is beautiful and vibrant and strong, and I love her like a long-lost sister. G is his Dad, a warm and wonderful presence with an awesome smile, and I have the deepest respect for him. Last but not least is his sister C, she is the biological child of D and G and she is one of the sweetest young women I know. Together they make up an amazing family, sometimes when I watch them together I feel like they are in total synchronization. They seem to see eachother clearly, and are able to show their love for eachother in the small moments they have. It's amazing to be able to be a part of their lives. They have had their hardships too, but always seem to come out stronger in the end. Over the past 8 years they have had some great times, vacations and family trips that I got to experience through pictures. They have moved, found new hobbies, suffered illnesses and found learning difficulties with the little man (I wont go into great detail out of respect for them). Through all of the good and the bad they have stuck by eachother, supported one another and loved unconditionally. That is only from the little I know of their major events. I am sure they have plenty of day-to-day moments that make up the greater whole of the amazing family they have. I am proud to have the opportunity to be part of their lives, although I wont take credit because I think they were always meant to be part of my family.


As for me, I have had alot of life lessons over the last 8 years. After the break up with J. sometime in 2004, I dated someone else seriously for about 2 years. We got engaged in 2006 and then he pulled the plug on the relationship in early 2007. I had made the mistake of hanging all of my hopes and dreams on that one person. After it ended I sort of fell apart, and had a "nervous breakdown" (according to a psychologist I saw after the fact). It was an eye opener for me, to realize that I had allowed someone else to effect me to the point where I felt they were part of my identity. I took a step back, looked at my life and realized I hadnt had the chance to do much growing of my own, I had been too busy trying to be what other people needed. So when the opportunity presented itself to move out of state I took it. I moved almost 2000 miles away from my home town, to a state where I had very little family, and I struck out to make it on my own. I got to know my extended family in this area, through them found a great job, and worked to improve my life as I went.

For 3 years I didnt date anyone for more than a month or so, but in 2009 I found myself pregnant again. This time the father didnt even pretend to try to be there, he just dissapeared. I thought through my choices, my abilities, my maturity. I sought advice from family, friends, peers and counsellors. In the end I knew that I was a different person this time, older, wiser, stronger and more capable. I had the means and the ability to make this child a good life. This child was mine, and I felt that in a way that I could not deny. I worried alot, and questioned my choice every day to make sure it was the right one. It was only confirmed after they placed that baby girl on my belly and I looked into her face. Please dont misunderstand, I love my son just as much as my daughter, they are both little pieces of my heart that I cant imagine my life without. It was never a question of loving one more or less than the other. I chose for my son the best life I could offer, and I did the same for my daughter. The only thing that ever really bothered me was the lack of a father in her life. If I had known the path life would take me on I never would have agonized over that. My baby girl had no father in her life for about 6 months. During that time she and I bonded in amazing ways, but after that I met her "real" dad. We didnt know he would be her Dad, but now we all live in the same house and my daughter calls him Daddy. He is my boyfriend, A, and he is one of the kindest and most giving men I know. I feel lucky to have had this chance to see where my life would take me. I have been dependent, independent, emotionally broken, depressed. I've raised hell, grown up, made bad decisions, owned up to my mistakes and become a better person for it (I hope). Life has brought me twists I never would have seen coming, and each has been a learning experience. They say you have to break someone down before you can build them back up, and life has done just that to my heart. I dont regret a single moment of my life because each one has brought me to this point. I am happy, healthy, whole, loved and I have an amazing family. At no point in my life have I been more blessed than in the last year. I know there will be other hard times, other lessons to be learned. I also know that for now life is amazing, and I will always know that happiness is waiting for me at the end of the black times.

A happy ending for all, exactly as I was hoping it would be. My son has an amazing family and more love than a little boy could hope for. My own life has been blessed and all of us are in the places we are supposed to be.