Holiday Grieving

Grief, I know many birthmoms who feel such debilitating grief during this time of year. Some people believe the pain fades away, but they are wrong. In the first few years my reactions to the pain were stronger, because the pain was newer and I had no skills to deal with it. In the same way that a strong smell is overwhelming at first, but as you sit in it you forget it is there. Only occasionally, when someone else comments on the smell, do you remember it was there. It's always there, always a part of the atmosphere, but you simply become immune to it's power over time. The amount of anguish I feel over missing the Holidays with my son has not diminished over time, as some would believe it has. I don't cry as often about it, that is true, and I have many more moments of joy than I used to. This is not because I have moved past it, it is only because I have felt these emotions so often that my reactions have changed. I certainly have a support system to turn to, and I also have more skill at looking through the grief to the happiness on the other side.

I love the Holiday season, I always have. I remember waiting impatiently for Christmas morning, shopping for my siblings and friends. Being so excited to see their reactions to my gifts. I can certainly find that excitement again, and I enjoy all of these things as I always have. With Cookie around, it's a little more easy to do, because I get to give her gifts and see her reaction to them.

I will confess, for a long while I have not sent Christmas and birthday gifts to my son. Some birthparents find a certain amount of relief in knowing their child will be able to get gifts from them. My enjoyment in giving has always been about seeing the joy that those gifts entice. I lost interest in sending gifts when I realized that I would not be able to see him enjoying them. I buy him things when we visit, and I love seeing him light up like that. Perhaps it sounds callous that I would not send anything, and maybe it is. I know my mom sends them gifts occasionally, and I know they don't expect gifts from me. Another problem the last few years has been my financial status, it's tough to get together the money for sending gifts when you are a single mom, or living on your own, surviving paycheck-to-paycheck.

This year things are different, so I made the resolve to send them something, even if it is something small. I sent them a picture already that Cookie colored for them. I also have a book to send as well. It's hard not to want to buy an entire store out for them, but I am taking it slow.

I know that this year will be just as hard as the last 7 have been, and I will miss seeing Dawson open gifts and participating in many other traditions. I will be able to experience those things with Cookie, and that is some help to me. I also know that A will be there to lean on when times get tough for me. I hope that those who are not part of the adoption world will understand a little better how these occasions can effect a birthparent. I also hope that birthparents out there will understand they are not alone. The sadness and grief are normal, and you will get through it. I wont give you false hope that this will go away, but I will say that it gets easier. I suppose that is the best we can hope for.

Five Minute Friday: Is Adoption Relevant?

I've been intrigued by these in the past thanks to my new friend Monika, who has a very open writing style. She got me hooked on The Gypsy Mama, whose writing I also very much enjoy. Every friday there is a prompt, and in the words of The Gypsy Mama herself:


"For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

This week's prompt is: Relevant

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Go...

Are my experiences relevant to normal life? No. Is adoption a relevant subject to the everyday observer? Probably not.

Some days it really feels the only people who find my story relevant are those who dont really need to hear it. The people who are already educated and already know the adoption world. How can I educate people when they have no interest to know more? So I decided I dont need to be relevant to the world. I only need to be relevant to my life. My goals, my dreams and my plans for the future are all that matter. When I write here it is purely for my own edification, to search out new places in my soul that I have left undiscovered for so long. To allow me a place to relive the pain and the joy, to give in to my need to write and use these words that are bumbling around in my brain. These memories that seem to just flow from me are sometimes so unfamiliar, things I have tucked away because of how painful or how tender they are.

What is relevant about me? Nothing and everything. I am the pain you see in the world, and I am the joy in your childs eyes. I am the love I have for my children and I am the deep, abiding happiness that comes with knowing I did right by them. They are my world, and for nothing else would I give so much of myself.

STOP.

A Twist in My Story...

I have an older sister who is a roudy and rambunctious ball of energy. Possibly one of the most fun people on the planet, she can turn any errand into an adventure. She is the closest to me in age out of all of my siblings, so we have been stuck together like glue since I was born. When we were young this was a chore for her, but as we got older we became friends. She is one of the only people I feel like I can say ANYTHING to. She tells it like it is, no sugar coating, and I love that she can cut any issue right down to the bone in a quick second. She and I were also pregnant together with our sons. She was due a few weeks after me, but she ended up being early and I ended up being late and so Bubba (her son) was born 6 days before Dawson. The discrepancy in their size was huge, so we called them Timone and Pumba (that's Dawson's foot on the left compared to Bubba's on the right). One of my biggest fears in placement was that the boys would not get to know each other. I always wanted them to be close, best friends, like my sister and I have been.

Many people wondered how I would deal with having Bubba around. I will admit, even I was scared of how he would make me feel. Since I had a C-section I had to have someone in the house to help me for the first week or two. Since both my parents worked and there was no one else, my sister had to be the one to stay with me. I didn't have a chance to avoid being near Bubba. I thought it would be so hard. My heart was still aching so badly from the blow of placement. I thought for sure that this little baby being in the house would kill me. How could I see him, hold him, be near him, watch my sister with him without my heart breaking all over again? The first morning they arrived I tried to just ignore them, I hoped my sister would keep him quiet and away from me. No such luck. He cried and moved and caught my attention. My sister was obviously exhausted from nights awake with him, so somehow at one point I ended up with a little lump in my arms. He fell asleep, and shortly after that my sister fell asleep too. I lay down on the couch with him still wrapped in my arms and I just watched him for a while. This was so different than I imagined. Shouldn't this hurt? Shouldn't I be wracked with sobs from just seeing him, let alone holding him close? How was it possible I could still get attached to this bundle of chub?

I don't know how it happened, and I certainly don't know why, but somehow that baby boy did not hurt me by being there. Somehow he did the opposite, he held my wounded heart together while it scabbed over. He stemmed the bleeding of my tortured soul. I still cant express how important my nephew was in my grieving. He wasn't so much a reminder of what I was missing as he was a way for me to connect with Dawson and know what stages he was in. I babysat him as often as I could, often having him sleep in bed with me at night. Cuddling his soft, warm, baby body against me and loving every minute. He was a gentle nudge of happiness during an otherwise despondent first year. Maybe I am just imagining it but I always felt like I had a special kind of bond with him. He will always be one of my favorite people.

As time passed and I moved beyond the grief, Bubba has remained an important piece of my life. Every time I have a visit with Dawson and his family I make sure that Bubba can go too. The boys amaze me with how they seem to just pick up their friendship like it is so familiar. They don't see each other for months or years and yet they play together like no time has passed. I'm so grateful that they still get to be the friends I always imagined they would be.

Pressure of Parenting After Placement

Sometimes I feel such a back-breaking pressure. Pressure to be the best possible mother that has ever lived. I'm sure most moms feel pressure to be more patient, more loving and kind and more humbled than they are. For me, because of Dawson, I feel like I am somehow failing him (and Cookie) if I am not the most wonderful person and mother.


Ok, so here it is: I'm not perfect.

Far from it actually. I get beyond frustrated when Cookie does something I have told her not to (I mean is it really neccessary to throw the dog's food into her water every night?). Some times I wish I could throw in the towel (no, I cannot hold you every second while still stirring dinner and trying to get you juice at the same time). I feel guilty for being away, even though I know that working is what I need to be doing right now. I find myself feeling lazy for not going on lots of outings on my days off (Who needs the zoo? You've got Mommy's bed head to gawk at). I dont have the time or energy to make her home-cooked meals every night (hello microwave!). I probably feed her more junk food than what I should (another cookie? Sure, as long as mommy can finish folding this laundry). I get angry and yell sometimes, I used to have such a long fuse but she seems to know just how to shorten it.

Most days I come out of it all feeling like I have won the battle but am losing the war. How do people make this look so easy? What am I doing wrong here?

Honestly, the worst part for me is my own self-flagellation. I find myself thinking awful things like "what if I was just not made to be a mom?" and it hurts. I can write all of the posts in the world about how other people hurt me, but in the end the person who berates me most is myself. My heart aches for this little girl with huge eyes all day long, and then when I finally come home to her I find myself so tired and run-down that I cant enjoy being with her. I count down the minutes until she goes to bed and I can sit still for a few moments. I worry that by being a "bad" mom I will somehow dissapoint Dawson. I know he wont know right now what kind of mom I am. I guess I just feel like my choice to parent Cookie needs to be validated by me being the best mom. It seems silly now that I think about it. I guess lately I have just felt so burnt out. It feels like a huge effort just to get out of bed in the morning. Getting through the day is like trudging through quicksand. I'm stressed because of thinking of court with R coming up, and wondering what the outcome will be. I'm tired of working at a job I can no longer feel any joy in. I'm frustrated that I cant spend more of my time doing the things I love, like watching my Cookie-bug grow and learn. It's all coming to a head, and I am truly scared of what will happen if I dont get a break from some of this pressure soon.

When I was pregnant with Cookie, my mind was filled with all the wonderful things we would do together. All the things I would be a part of that I never had the chance to experience with Dawson. I'm learning through time that my best laid plans are bound to go awry. In some ways I am ok with it, and in others I wonder if I can keep my sanity through it all. Dont get me wrong, there are plenty of moments that make my efforts worth it (like her clinging tightly to me after waking in the middle of the night, knowing that having me close is a comfort to her as it is for me), and I love my Cookie for always. She is just getting to that age where she cant decide if she wants to do it herself, or have me by her side for everything. It's very frustrating (for both of us).

I know that many mother's have gone through similar struggles, and I know that this too shall pass. I know that there will be times when Cookie is more frustrating and times when she is a perfect angel. I know that I have some unhealthy feelings about myself to work through. I'm hoping that being able to write about it will be a healing process.

"Replacement" [A Rant]

I've been holding this one back for a while, partially because the person who I had this conversation with will most likely read this. I wasn't sure if I really wanted for them to know how much this bothered me. I know the conversation may have been a joking one, but it stuck under my skin and I needed to get this off my chest.
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Recently while talking with an acquaintance about Dawson and Cookie I mentioned that Dawson was placed for adoption. I also mentioned that they met for the first time this year (they had seen a picture of the two of them together that I had up in a couple of places). This person made a passing comment about how he thought Dawson would be disappointed he didn't get a "little brother". I brushed this off, some people don't understand the dynamic with us, as far as he is concerned Cookie is just another friend, not a sister like C is. Some day he will put the pieces together and figure out how Cookie and he are connected (maybe he already has, I am not sure) but it's not really appropriate for him to call her a "sister" at this point. Anyway, in the course of the conversation this person said many infuriating things (some of which I have already addressed in this post)but the one that stuck with me was in response to me saying that I still miss Dawson sometimes. Their reply was "maybe next time you'll have a boy, I bet that will help you feel less sad about your son"...



I was a bit in shock, so I didn't say all the things coursing through my brain. Like "So in your eyes my next boy is just a placeholder for the child I didn't raise?". Why do people think that because I have Cookie now I should feel less attached to Dawson? Why would someone think simply because Cookie is a girl that I don't love her as much as I loved Dawson? Do they think that if I was to have another boy it would somehow replace him in my heart? Seriously? What in the hell is wrong with people?

Let me make this absolutely clear once again:

No. Child. Will. EVER. Replace. Dawson. EVER!


Is that clear enough for everyone? Cookie is an amazing addition to my life, she makes every sacrifice worth it. Not because she is more or better or because she fills that hole that Dawson left (it's still there). Because she is mine, I get to hold her and love her every day, hug and kiss her good night and miss her while I work at my tedious job. She makes it worth it to drive home every night, and worth it to deal with her tantrums and whining. Just because I enjoy being her mom does not discount my feelings for my son. I love him, every minute and every day. I will always love him JUST AS MUCH as I love Cookie. Every sacrifice I made, every sad and lonely day I spent was worth it to have him on this earth. I will think of him and miss him, I will wonder about him and be proud when I hear of his accomplishments. I will still hurt because he is not near me and there is no child that will cure that. For Dawson, I will not be "Mom" but for Cookie I will. The way THEY view me is different, but the way I view THEM is the same. I love them both with everything I have. I prove that to Cookie every day by being there for her in every way I can, and I proved that to Dawson by giving him a chance at an amazing life with an amazing family. Yes, I chose differently for each of my children. Most parents of multiple kids will tell you that the choices you make for one do not always fit for the others. Each of these children is unique, but the one thing they have in common is that of all the people on this earth they are the ONLY two (at this point) who I would give everything for. If I am blessed to have another boy someday he will not be Dawson, he will not replace him, he will not make me less "sad" that I cant be closer to him.

I wish I was a confrontational person. I wish I could walk up to the person who said this and tell them how their comment made me feel. Unfortunately I am not that girl, I am passive-aggressive at best. So I figured I would just put it out there into the blogoshpere and let nature take it's course.

[End Rant]