"Replacement" [A Rant]

I've been holding this one back for a while, partially because the person who I had this conversation with will most likely read this. I wasn't sure if I really wanted for them to know how much this bothered me. I know the conversation may have been a joking one, but it stuck under my skin and I needed to get this off my chest.
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Recently while talking with an acquaintance about Dawson and Cookie I mentioned that Dawson was placed for adoption. I also mentioned that they met for the first time this year (they had seen a picture of the two of them together that I had up in a couple of places). This person made a passing comment about how he thought Dawson would be disappointed he didn't get a "little brother". I brushed this off, some people don't understand the dynamic with us, as far as he is concerned Cookie is just another friend, not a sister like C is. Some day he will put the pieces together and figure out how Cookie and he are connected (maybe he already has, I am not sure) but it's not really appropriate for him to call her a "sister" at this point. Anyway, in the course of the conversation this person said many infuriating things (some of which I have already addressed in this post)but the one that stuck with me was in response to me saying that I still miss Dawson sometimes. Their reply was "maybe next time you'll have a boy, I bet that will help you feel less sad about your son"...



I was a bit in shock, so I didn't say all the things coursing through my brain. Like "So in your eyes my next boy is just a placeholder for the child I didn't raise?". Why do people think that because I have Cookie now I should feel less attached to Dawson? Why would someone think simply because Cookie is a girl that I don't love her as much as I loved Dawson? Do they think that if I was to have another boy it would somehow replace him in my heart? Seriously? What in the hell is wrong with people?

Let me make this absolutely clear once again:

No. Child. Will. EVER. Replace. Dawson. EVER!


Is that clear enough for everyone? Cookie is an amazing addition to my life, she makes every sacrifice worth it. Not because she is more or better or because she fills that hole that Dawson left (it's still there). Because she is mine, I get to hold her and love her every day, hug and kiss her good night and miss her while I work at my tedious job. She makes it worth it to drive home every night, and worth it to deal with her tantrums and whining. Just because I enjoy being her mom does not discount my feelings for my son. I love him, every minute and every day. I will always love him JUST AS MUCH as I love Cookie. Every sacrifice I made, every sad and lonely day I spent was worth it to have him on this earth. I will think of him and miss him, I will wonder about him and be proud when I hear of his accomplishments. I will still hurt because he is not near me and there is no child that will cure that. For Dawson, I will not be "Mom" but for Cookie I will. The way THEY view me is different, but the way I view THEM is the same. I love them both with everything I have. I prove that to Cookie every day by being there for her in every way I can, and I proved that to Dawson by giving him a chance at an amazing life with an amazing family. Yes, I chose differently for each of my children. Most parents of multiple kids will tell you that the choices you make for one do not always fit for the others. Each of these children is unique, but the one thing they have in common is that of all the people on this earth they are the ONLY two (at this point) who I would give everything for. If I am blessed to have another boy someday he will not be Dawson, he will not replace him, he will not make me less "sad" that I cant be closer to him.

I wish I was a confrontational person. I wish I could walk up to the person who said this and tell them how their comment made me feel. Unfortunately I am not that girl, I am passive-aggressive at best. So I figured I would just put it out there into the blogoshpere and let nature take it's course.

[End Rant]

Adoption Art of the Week...

Dedicated to D, G, and C

This week we return to my broadway roots. I am in serious love with the musical "Wicked" at the moment. I have it on the brain.



While listening to one particular song toward the end I felt a twinge (which happens alot) and realized once again the adoption link:




For Good:


Im limited...
Just look at me - Im limited...
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...


I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good


It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
Know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good.

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore


Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood


Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better...


And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

I have been changed... for good
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Here is where my heart is at this point: True, I could say it is a good one to dedicate to Dawson. That wasnt the first person I thought of when listening (and singing along) to it though. Perhaps because it is 2 women singing of their friendship, or maybe I am just always grateful for her to begin with, but I realized I would want this song dedicated to D. I believe this is mostly due to the beginning:"Im limited...Just look at me - Im limited...And just look at you, you can do all I couldn't do...So now it's up to you, for both of us - now it's up to you". I remember wondering how one woman would ever be able to convey the love of two mothers to this precious baby boy. How in the world would it work? She would have to be some kind of super mom... and she is, to me. She is patient and loving and kind at all the right moments. She is everything I could have dreamed of and more. As I listened through it one more time my gratitude broadened to include G and C as well. I am so grateful for them all. I have been changed because of their kindness and strength. I know I am blessed to have known them and had the chance to love them. They have always been understanding and generous. Found ways to spend time with me and make things easier. I have never met a more amazing family unit, and I know that I made the right choice when I see them all together. If I only had one message to give them it would be that they have been a huge influence in my life, and made me better for it. I wish I could hug them every day for being such amazing people. So this is my virtual dedication to the most amazing Mom, Dad and Sister that any boy could ask for, and the best kind of friends this birth mom could imagine.