Holiday Grieving

Grief, I know many birthmoms who feel such debilitating grief during this time of year. Some people believe the pain fades away, but they are wrong. In the first few years my reactions to the pain were stronger, because the pain was newer and I had no skills to deal with it. In the same way that a strong smell is overwhelming at first, but as you sit in it you forget it is there. Only occasionally, when someone else comments on the smell, do you remember it was there. It's always there, always a part of the atmosphere, but you simply become immune to it's power over time. The amount of anguish I feel over missing the Holidays with my son has not diminished over time, as some would believe it has. I don't cry as often about it, that is true, and I have many more moments of joy than I used to. This is not because I have moved past it, it is only because I have felt these emotions so often that my reactions have changed. I certainly have a support system to turn to, and I also have more skill at looking through the grief to the happiness on the other side.

I love the Holiday season, I always have. I remember waiting impatiently for Christmas morning, shopping for my siblings and friends. Being so excited to see their reactions to my gifts. I can certainly find that excitement again, and I enjoy all of these things as I always have. With Cookie around, it's a little more easy to do, because I get to give her gifts and see her reaction to them.

I will confess, for a long while I have not sent Christmas and birthday gifts to my son. Some birthparents find a certain amount of relief in knowing their child will be able to get gifts from them. My enjoyment in giving has always been about seeing the joy that those gifts entice. I lost interest in sending gifts when I realized that I would not be able to see him enjoying them. I buy him things when we visit, and I love seeing him light up like that. Perhaps it sounds callous that I would not send anything, and maybe it is. I know my mom sends them gifts occasionally, and I know they don't expect gifts from me. Another problem the last few years has been my financial status, it's tough to get together the money for sending gifts when you are a single mom, or living on your own, surviving paycheck-to-paycheck.

This year things are different, so I made the resolve to send them something, even if it is something small. I sent them a picture already that Cookie colored for them. I also have a book to send as well. It's hard not to want to buy an entire store out for them, but I am taking it slow.

I know that this year will be just as hard as the last 7 have been, and I will miss seeing Dawson open gifts and participating in many other traditions. I will be able to experience those things with Cookie, and that is some help to me. I also know that A will be there to lean on when times get tough for me. I hope that those who are not part of the adoption world will understand a little better how these occasions can effect a birthparent. I also hope that birthparents out there will understand they are not alone. The sadness and grief are normal, and you will get through it. I wont give you false hope that this will go away, but I will say that it gets easier. I suppose that is the best we can hope for.

Open...

Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?

This is the question posed in this edition of the open adoption roundtable.

If I'm being honest, the first time I realized there were different forms of adoption was after I was already pregnant. I never had any experiences with adoption before that. It was a foreign concept to me. I was so set against the idea that I tried not to pay much attention to the details. It seemed so painful and unnecessary. Why on earth would I ever do that to myself? I had a lot of misconceptions. I thought I would be separated from my son forever, I knew I could not handle that. I thought I would have to wait that painful 18 years before he could come and find me (misconceptions brought to you by my silly soap opera habit at the time). I thought he would hate me.

Things changed. My SW was kind and sweet, she listened and I'm sure many times she wished she could make me see the seriousness of this situation. It wasnt until I started having pre-term labor that things really hit me. This baby boy was by far the most amazing thing I had ever created, the most awesome and perfect gift. While I was seeing rainbows and butterflies my world was falling down around me. I was not able to return to school for most of my junior year (would I be able to finish high school?). My parents were struggling daily with bills and the stress of 2 pregnant daughters (could they still support me with the baby?). J's parents were not much better off, and I had no idea if they would want anything to do with us. J was dissapearing more and more frequently, had lost 2 jobs and was unreliable at best. When I finally started listening to what my SW had to say about openness, I was thrown into a totally new field of dreams. Could I find a place in my life for these strangers? Could I make it through this? Would they ever accept me? Could I really be part of my son's life and still give him the wonderful parents and home he deserved? Yep, I thought I could do that.



So I did, I didnt know how this would all turn out. In the beginning things were only "semi-open" meaning we knew eachother's first names and sent letters through the agency. As time passed and the restrictions became fewer, we found out more about eachother. I remember the first time I knew their last name, I felt kind of mischeivious because I found out by accident, I was so excited I squeeled. As time has passed, we have exchanged phone numbers, addresses, emails, and had many visits. I feel a deep and abiding love and respect for these amazing people. The trust we have built is a beautiful thing that I hope to nourish forever. I cant imagine what my life would be like without open adoption...