Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Not The Same

You remember that game, "One of these things is not like the others"? I was looking through pictures from just after Dawson was born today. I felt like I was playing that game as I looked back and forth between the pictures of meeting him, and the ones I had from meeting Cookie. It struck me that there was a huge difference in the emotions and feel of those pictures compared to the one's from Cookie's birth.

Here is the first time I held Dawson (you should recognize this one from the left of the page):

Here is the first time I held Cookie:

As I looked through the other photos I realized there is a distinct pattern:

Idont have a huge frame of reference because I dont have all of the pictures online. I dont know if it is really as obvious as it seems to me, because I have emotions tied to all of these pictures that I am sure cloud my view of them. I do remember my dad taking TONS of pictures while I was in the hospital with Dawson, and I still have alot of them in a photo book my mom made for me. They are all precious and bittersweet memories of those 3 days I had with my precious boy. For some reason today I have been thinking about it alot (probably from reading my previous post). Comparing my days with him and my first days with Cookie. First off, I was in alot more pain after Dawson was born. I had a C-section with him and was on alot of pain meds (one of the reasons I think I was sleeping so much). I couldnt hold the baby on my own, so had to prop him up on pillows to hold him. He was a giant 10 pound and 11.5 ounce baby at birth. I saw him for a brief second after he was born before I passed out. Then I didnt get to see or hold him again for almost 2 hours (at my own misguided request). With Cookie, I had a VBAC (look it up if you dont know) and she was handed to me right away (still a hefty 9.5 lbs, but nothing I couldnt handle). My best friend snapped those awesome pictures as I held her and counted her fingers. While seeing Dawson for the first time was so poignant and bittersweet, seeing Cookie for the first time was like breathing clean air for the first time. It was magical and wonderful and miraculous. My heart was full in all of these moments, but while I held Dawson I was full of not only love but also sadness, fear and many other conflicting emotions. Honestly, the entire experience with Cookie was less stressful and much less difficult. I was in the hospital alone with her, had lots of bonding time, learned to breastfeed and got to have her all to myself. With Dawson that was not even a choice, there was always someone with me, partially because they were trying to be there for me and partially because they wanted to be part of those memories too. I couldnt bond as well because he was so big and I was so pained. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise. I'm not really sure. All I know is that with Cookie I was riding an amazing high, I didnt feel pain, I didnt feel bad at all. I felt so very happy.

It makes me a little sad that the first time I experienced bringing life into this world I couldnt really enjoy it. I am grateful for my time with him, and I cherish it, but it will also always be tainted by the sadness and grief. I am so glad that with Cookie I was able to experience the pure joy of it all, without the cloud of depression to go along with it. Dont get me wrong, both of my experiences in the hospital are dear to me, and I wouldnt trade them for anything. Plus I got some beautiful babies out of it...

No comments: