Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tiny Footprints... [An open letter to Cookie]

Your tiny footprints, treading water down the hall. Sweet cherubic cheeks splashed with spaghetti sauce. Watching as i clear the mess made by your squishing exploration. Fingers reaching up to add your tiny hand print to my arm. So many marks left, some on my heart as you took a piece to hold with you. Some on my face from the tears I shed for you, whether they be happy or sad or conflicted. Many marks left on my body from your growth, your life, your sweet baby kisses. Fluttering footsteps simply reaching out for a parent to follow. Mischevious laughter from another room brings curiosity and worry. Sweet smiles and joyful hugs I live for, and would gladly die for.

So simple, the art of parenthood. You must only give everything of yourself, to allow this tiny being to take control of your heart and your mind and your very life.

Today was hard. Impossibly hard, knowing I may never know what the truly right decision is for you. Starting on this path may be wrong, but sometimes life is not black and white. Please remember that, and know that not all decisions are easy to make. The only thing I know for sure is that no matter what may come of this you have a mother who loves you. You have a true father who loves you every bit as much as he would if you were his flesh and blood. Love is thicker than blood my darling, and I hope someday you will understand that as I do. Even as I fight for your interest with a person who has legal reason to call himself your "father" I see the strength and courage spread through our lives by the man who is our rock. I see your eyes light up as he leans to picks you up, and even on this harsh and incongruous day I see him warm at your beautiful smile. He sees the light within you as I do. He understands this ever present burning to protect and give and enjoy each second with you. I want for you to understand and know your history, but I also hope you will see the truth and know that no biological bond could ever take the place of a true parent.

Together we will laugh at your antics, clean up the messes, and live each day. We are your family, and we will always be there to pick up the pieces, but for now we will just smile and watch your tiny footprints evaporate.

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