Monday, September 26, 2011


Sometimes I am just sad. I have alot of reasons to be grateful for the life I lead, but lately some things have been falling apart. I am definitely a person who cannot handle a lot of negative things happening at once without an outlet. Lately that is how it has been though. It's been an emotional week for me as I was forced to contemplate the inevitability of losing family members and also found out that someone I knew from high school was taken from this world too soon. Add in stress at work and feeling guilty about not spending more time with Cookie and I am just all out of whack.

Sadness is ok. Not good or great but it is ok. Sometimes we need to be sad, to feel out of sorts and to cry. I have to work hard to keep reminding myself of this at times. I have suffered from clinical depression off and on since I was young. It got pretty bad after Dawson was placed, and I was on meds for quite a while. I had alot of pitfalls over many years, and at one point I let it get so bad that I didnt see anything good in the world any more. I still dont remember taking the pills. I have the knowledge of those dark days but not the memory of that action. All I know is that at the time I did not understand how important my support system is. I didnt feel their love and I allowed myself to go untreated for too long. Why am I talking about this now? Because for one thing, when I am feeling down sometimes I need an outlet, and for another thing because I need people to understand I have been to the bottom of the bottom and I never want to be there again. I make a great effort to make sure I have a great support system at all times, and that I can talk about any and all things with someone. I have a wonderful counselor now, I've been off meds for years, I live in a sunny climate, I count my blessings often. I also have amazing people in my life. I have A, who after hearing I am sad today asked what he could do, and did everything in his power to cheer me up (I love that guy!). I have wonderful family who make my life a little easier and love Cookie and me no matter what. I have Dawson and Cookie and D and G and C. They make my life so much more full.

All that being said, I still feel sad today. I used to think sadness needed to be hidden. We are supposed to be happy right? We are supposed to project only our happiness to those around us. So when I felt sad or down I would just bottle that all up, and it was like this poison in me. It seeped into everything I did, turned the world a mottled gray and stripped me of all motivation. So now when I get the chance I let it out. I cry, I write, I blog, I talk, I rant, and I allow the hurt and the sadness to wash through me and out of me.

Part of the reason I am so grateful for Dawson and my adoption experience is the fact that I learned the importance of sadness. The truth in grief and the love it can reveal. I wonder if I would have gone on hiding my sadness if I hadnt learned that lesson. I wonder if I would have learned the difference between true depression and passing sadness? I wonder if I would have thought that all-encompassing blackness was what was normal, or if I would have ever learned the importance of my family and friends? I needed those lessons in order to learn my limits, and when to start talking and when it's time to get to a Doctor.

So today I will allow myself to cry about the possibility that I may not see my Gram again before she departs this earth. I will mourn for a young man's life snuffed out in his prime, and for the family he left behind. I will let the sadness roll through me for the time I am missing with Cookie, and I will be grateful for the man at home who lets me snot on his shoulder while I cry.

And when that is all done I will move forward, and be grateful for the gifts I am given daily.

Please, if you are feeling depressed or suicidal, call someone. ANYONE. Get help as soon as you can.

1 comment:

Jen said...

((hugs)) you are so much more eloquent with describing your feelings. I too have been feeling out of sorts since returning home from our visit to Cali. Part of me hopes Gram hangs on as long as she can so we don't have to lose her. but the other part of me realizes how selfish it is to ask her to live on in pain like that. Sigh...if you need to talk you know my number. I love you tons Sis!