Thursday, September 15, 2011

Birth Fathers [Good, Bad and Ugly]

It's a sore subject for some of us (birth mothers, single mothers). The (biological)father's of our children, how they make us react and how we feel about them. For some their name is a dirty word, and for others they just dont telk about it at all. I would wager there is a fare amount of resentment going both ways with the men who I conceived children with. What some people might be surprised to know is I am grateful for them. For all their faults, all their misdeeds and all their anger, they are the reason my children exist and I am grateful. I am even grateful for the bad things they have done to me, and all the lessons learned because of that treatment.

Let's start off with J. Keeping in mind that J and I were both still children at the time we were together. I freely and openly admit that his indiscriminant cheating was a catalyst for my choice to place.
I like to think that all things happen for a reason, and I have long since forgiven J for his childish behavior. After all, what do you expect when you throw an adolescent boy into an adult situation? He did not have the tools to deal with the serious nature of our situation any more than I did. While I had the baby as a constant reminder of why I needed to do things right, all he had was his own conflicted mind. I was not exactly a perfect person, and I was in no way prepared for a real relationship at the time. In the end J had a choice the same as I did, he signed the papers too, he was there at the hospital and he loved that baby boy. I know that he was hurt after placement, and I know he and I leaned on eachother for our grief. I like to think that we needed that understanding to get through that first year. I am grateful for the lessons I learned during that time. I no longer will tolerate cheating, in any form, by anyone I date. I feel it creates too much distrust for me to go forward. I'm grateful he taught me what I could handle in that area. I am also grateful for his shoulder during that year or so after we placed. I'm glad I had someone who was going through the same feelings who I could turn to in dark moments. I'm also grateful that the relationship ended, and that we were able to move on with our lives with other people and find the good in life again.

I still have some work to do with forgiving R (my daughters bio-father). It's alot tougher because his actions still have the power to hurt Cookie in the future. He has still taught me a few things though. He taught me that I am still vulnerable, and that my children will always be more important to me than anyone else on this planet. He taught me that I can be fierce and mean when my child is threatened, and that sometimes the truth is only as clear as our perception. I'm thankful that I have my daughter, so I cannot regret being with him. The story with him is not quite over yet though, so I think until I know the outcome I will be holding my breathe and preparing for the worst.

Overall the best thing I have learned from the biological father's of my children is how amazing it can be when your child has a true father in their life. Seeing Dawson with G and seeing Cookie with A have made me realize how precious that bond is. I am so glad I know the difference between biology and parenthood. I'm grateful every day for that lesson, and the proof before my eyes.

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