Dedicated to Dawson
This week I will focus on the song this blog is named for:
One More Day ~ Diamond Rio
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me,
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do. With one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day
Leave me wishing still for one more day
With you
This song was very popular in my circle during the year that I had my son. I'm sure all the rest of my high-school friends thought of some boy when hearing it, but for me it was always a reminder of how I felt about my son. Every line seems to be ripped from my own mind, because I wished for more time with my son over and over. Unfortunately I also knew that no amount of time with him would ever be enough, so I was content to relive my 3 days with him. It's funny because I do have an open adoption, so I think people have this perception that he really isnt gone from my life. In all reality he is gone though, and it's not the visits that I wish for (although I look forward to them and love them dearly as well) it is a wish for more than just that 3 days. My own selfish heart wished that I could have been his mommy for longer. The problem is that no matter what the perception may be of open adoption, he has never called me "Mom" and to him I am this obscure figure who he sees every now and then. He does know about me, who I am and what that means, but I am no more than a distant relative to him. I dont begrudge that, in fact I am more than happy with the relationship we have now. It's just strange because there is this disconnect between him being my son and me not being his mother.
The second verse always gets to me, "First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl" I dont know how many times during my 3 days I prayed that time could just slow down. I'm sure it dragged on for his family, but for me those days slipped away like water through my hands. I felt like I just couldnt hold him enough, or kiss him enough or love him enough. As in the song I wanted all distraction to go away. I shared my 3 days with J. and my family, but in some ways I wished I'd had more alone time with him. I was grateful for the help and the support, but I wanted to savor each moment too. "I'd hold you every second, say a million I love you's"... I wish I had said I loved him more. I think in many ways I was shell shocked during that time. I wasnt prepared for all these emotions bombarding me at once, and I didnt know how to deal with it all so I just didnt say much. I remember a few sideways glances from friends and family who know my normally talkative self. I was almost mute, and when I did speak it was about mundane things. I played cards alot, it helped to have something to focus on so people stopped asking if I was ok, all the while I was holding the baby close.
I guess looking back this was always my go-to song for how I felt during that first year. Even though time seems to dull the pain and my visits with them are like a balm to my heart I still come back to this song over and over. I think it will always have a special meaning for me, even as time washes away alot of the wishes and hopes. During that first year I clung to these lyrics like a lifeline, but now I look back on them with fondness, knowing that I made the right choices and everything turned out right.
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