Wonders Never Cease

So last night I called D. We had played phone tag a little this week, and when I got the chance after Cookie went to sleep I gave her a call. I always get a little bit of butterflies when I talk to her. It's not anxiety, more just excitement and happiness. We had what A called "a love fest" talking about how much we care about eachother and how amazing our experiences have been. I asked her permission to include some pictures of them on the blog. Her response was basically that she trusts me, and she doesnt mind at all (so here she is with Cookie- gorgeous right?). We talked about the blog, and how I am trying to build myself a group of other birthmoms with similar experiences. She said she thought it was good that I got that chance, and I told her about some of the things I've written recently. Seriously, every time we talk it's like she reaffirms my absolute love and respect for them. We talked about Dawson, how well he is doing in school and the things he loves to do. We talked about C, who is growing into a gorgeous young woman who is very mature and self-aware. We talked about D's new job and how much she is enjoying it, about all the birthdays that they get to celebrate in the winter. We talked about the first year after placement, and how hard it was for me to talk to them or send letters. She said she always knew I was just in too much pain to be able to say much to them. I told her how being around their family changed how I thought about my loss. She said she felt like her family grew by more than just one little baby boy that day. I told her how I always thought I would resent them, but I learned that I cant feel resentment for people I love so much.

We talked for almost an hour while she drove home, and when she got there she asked Dawson if he wanted to talk. "Nah" he said. Little stinker. The funny thing is that I didnt feel upset, I didnt feel hurt by him not wanting to talk. First of all he's a boy, and I understand how boys can be. Secondly, I felt so full already from just talking to D. She is the center of that house, and I know when I talk to her I am getting the whole story. She makes me feel like I am a part of their family instead of an outsider looking in on it. I feel like she is my long lost sister, and we are able to be honest and accept eachother for who we are. We talked about how Dawson talks about me, and sometimes wants to write me letters (yay!), and she said she never really felt the need to prepare for the conversations about adoption. She just seems to know what to say in the moment, and it always seems to be the right thing. I told her that Cookie practices saying his name and we point out pictures of them all the time and tell her who they all are. I want her to grow up knowing they are family, and loving them even though they are far away.

There was so much to say, and so much love to feel, and so much gratitude to express. We always say so many of these things when we talk, but it never feels like a repeated conversation. At least for me, I feel so full of emotion that I may burst if I dont express it to her. I wish there were better words to express how I feel for all of them, but I do my best with the limited means of communication I have.

This is from our april visit this year. From left to right: D, G, C, Dawson, Cookie, Me, Bubba

By the end of our conversation I had been on the verge of tears many times. After we hung up I let a few of those tears of joy fall. I am so grateful. So very lucky to be part of their lives. I know I would never change a single thing, because it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Each of them is a wonder to me, and D is my conduit to experience it all. So I dont care if it seems like a big "love fest" to everyone else, I'm being genuine and I cant say enough good things about my experience with this wonderful family.