Sadness...

Sometimes I am just sad. I have alot of reasons to be grateful for the life I lead, but lately some things have been falling apart. I am definitely a person who cannot handle a lot of negative things happening at once without an outlet. Lately that is how it has been though. It's been an emotional week for me as I was forced to contemplate the inevitability of losing family members and also found out that someone I knew from high school was taken from this world too soon. Add in stress at work and feeling guilty about not spending more time with Cookie and I am just all out of whack.

Sadness is ok. Not good or great but it is ok. Sometimes we need to be sad, to feel out of sorts and to cry. I have to work hard to keep reminding myself of this at times. I have suffered from clinical depression off and on since I was young. It got pretty bad after Dawson was placed, and I was on meds for quite a while. I had alot of pitfalls over many years, and at one point I let it get so bad that I didnt see anything good in the world any more. I still dont remember taking the pills. I have the knowledge of those dark days but not the memory of that action. All I know is that at the time I did not understand how important my support system is. I didnt feel their love and I allowed myself to go untreated for too long. Why am I talking about this now? Because for one thing, when I am feeling down sometimes I need an outlet, and for another thing because I need people to understand I have been to the bottom of the bottom and I never want to be there again. I make a great effort to make sure I have a great support system at all times, and that I can talk about any and all things with someone. I have a wonderful counselor now, I've been off meds for years, I live in a sunny climate, I count my blessings often. I also have amazing people in my life. I have A, who after hearing I am sad today asked what he could do, and did everything in his power to cheer me up (I love that guy!). I have wonderful family who make my life a little easier and love Cookie and me no matter what. I have Dawson and Cookie and D and G and C. They make my life so much more full.


All that being said, I still feel sad today. I used to think sadness needed to be hidden. We are supposed to be happy right? We are supposed to project only our happiness to those around us. So when I felt sad or down I would just bottle that all up, and it was like this poison in me. It seeped into everything I did, turned the world a mottled gray and stripped me of all motivation. So now when I get the chance I let it out. I cry, I write, I blog, I talk, I rant, and I allow the hurt and the sadness to wash through me and out of me.

Part of the reason I am so grateful for Dawson and my adoption experience is the fact that I learned the importance of sadness. The truth in grief and the love it can reveal. I wonder if I would have gone on hiding my sadness if I hadnt learned that lesson. I wonder if I would have learned the difference between true depression and passing sadness? I wonder if I would have thought that all-encompassing blackness was what was normal, or if I would have ever learned the importance of my family and friends? I needed those lessons in order to learn my limits, and when to start talking and when it's time to get to a Doctor.

So today I will allow myself to cry about the possibility that I may not see my Gram again before she departs this earth. I will mourn for a young man's life snuffed out in his prime, and for the family he left behind. I will let the sadness roll through me for the time I am missing with Cookie, and I will be grateful for the man at home who lets me snot on his shoulder while I cry.

And when that is all done I will move forward, and be grateful for the gifts I am given daily.

Please, if you are feeling depressed or suicidal, call someone. ANYONE. Get help as soon as you can.