On March 9th I got the news that my Mother had passed away unexpectedly. To say the least this last month has been such a rollercoaster of emotion. We were flying on Cookie's birthday and instead of preparing for a birthday party the following weekend we were preparing for a funeral. I feel like if grief was a muscle mine would look like the muscles of a professional bodybuilder. There is just so darn much I have had to deal with. I'm not saying that I need people to feel sorry for me. In fact that is one part of this I am having such a hard time dealing with. Since we have been back home I have been seeing my counselor and trying to process things. I've been down the path before but on a different journey. After placement I do remember feeling this kind of numbness but I think, in the same way I forgot the pain of labor during childbirth, I forgot how this effects me. I feel... I think hazy is the word. I keep forgetting things, I sleep when I should be doing things around the house, and I find myself snapping at A and even being short with Cookie. I'm not actively thinking about the loss of my mom anymore, but I feel like each time I am reminded of it I am punched in the gut. Because of my history of depression and anxiety my counselor had me stay home until this last Monday. In some ways it is a relief to have something to do during the day besides just think. In other ways I feel like I am no good at my job at the moment. I wish it felt real to me. I think because we lived so far away and there were so many times I went weeks or even months without talking to her I haven't quite grasped that I wont get that chance again. I wish I could forget, but at the same time I am terrified that I will somehow forget her voice, or her smile, or the way she smelled when I hugged her. I just have this terrifying knowledge that this is one of those times when the grief will never truly be gone and I will always miss her. I cant stand knowing all the things she will miss, or should I say the things that I will miss her being there for. I feel like I am not only grieving the loss of the person but also the possibilities. Every big moment will be less, and every happy time will be more bittersweet, all because this one person is not there. I don't think anyone ever thinks they got enough time with their parents, but I cant help feeling I am too young for this. My Mom drove me nuts but dang I miss that crazy lady...
